Dancing myself into a corner
When I was in High School I never imagined this would be my life. The other day I ran into one of my best friends from school. I was so excited to see her, but when we started making small talk about our lives I quickly came up with an excuse to get the heck out of there. I didn’t want to talk about my life. I didn’t want anyone to find out what I’m doing. I’m so embarrassed, no, ashamed of who I am. But I feel stuck. I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I love my kids, honestly, they’re all that matter to me. But they’re getting older and I don’t want them to know what I’m doing for a living. Right now they call it “dancing.” Now that’s a loose interpretation of what I do, huh?When I took the job at a “gentlemen’s club” I was only a waitress desperate to get through nursing school. I have wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. Being a waitress at the club earned me way more money than I could have ever made anywhere else. I rationalized that it was an easy way to make a lot of money. I could work less and earn more. Back then it made sense. After Josie came along, my first daughter, I had to drop to part time school and full time waitressing. Then I got pregnant with Allie, my second daughter, I was unable to make ends meet, even after I quit school. I never intended to be a stripper, but I thought if I made more money I might be able to go back to school. I don’t feel comfortable about it and the only way I can even do it is if I’m high. One of the other girls gave me something to help me feel “more free.” When I take it I’m able to forget about the audience and do my thing.
I hate that I’m a stripper. I hate that I’m using drugs. I hate that my kids are going to figure out what I do for a living someday. I hate that I have to run away from people I’m excited to see because I don’t want them to find out about my life. I just have no way out of this jam. I have no completed education, rent to pay, children to feed. If I’m ever going to finish my nursing degree this is my only option, no matter how horrible it makes me feel about myself.
Posted by Gwen @ 12:04 PM
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